I kept asking DH to explain how he justified the actions of his affair. I wanted to know what he told himself that made what he was doing with all his other women OK. I shouldn’t ask questions I’m not prepared for answers to…because today he told me.
 

I have always held onto the thought that he loved me. He has told me many, many times that he never stopped loving me, but that he had gotten caught up in the porn – caught up in the validation he wanted from other women that he was desirable. He said he heard that stuff from me too, but when I said it- it simply didn’t mean as much. He said he felt like I said it because I had to – because I was his wife, just like his mom or grandma would say nice things – his wife was obligated to do so as well. But them – the pretty new things at work – they really meant it. Much more so than I could have?

 
So, I always had this little “support” piece I could stand on – some firm ground if you will – I always had the fact that he never stopped loving me. I knew this was true because he has told me so, time and time again. Never wavering from this truth – he loved me – never stopped loving me – but that he had gotten caught up in the attention and the excitement. I used this as something to rebuild our marriage on. Something solid and sturdy – something worth having. Our counselor believes it – that he loves me. Everyone believes it. I thought I was crazy for questioning his love for me. Everyone tells me how it is possible for him to have gotten caught up in this mess and never, ever, stopped loving me. So at least I had that. Not anymore – I don’t have that anymore.

 
DH told me today that he justified to himself that his behavior was ok because our relationship had “run its course” and that the feeling of love just wasn’t there anymore and that he knew we would eventually split anyway so he felt he was free to do as he wished. He said he never gave our relationship a fair shot because he knew what he had done – what he had been doing for so long – and that I would never be able to live with it. He said he was tired of being the good guy and that he was rebelling against that idea of being a good guy.

 
Our relationship had run its course – his love for me wasn’t there anymore. Our relationship had run its course – his love for me wasn’t there anymore and he wanted out. Since he wanted out anyway he might as well get some new stuff lined up now that he was free. Free from his love for me – which had apparently died somewhere along the way – he just forgot to tell me…

 
At the time he never said a word – he never let on what was happening, what he was thinking, how he was feeling. Our relationship had run its course and his love for me wasn’t there anymore. My shred of peace that I have held onto this whole time – gone. The fact that he loved me – always loved me – gone. Gone.
 

Our relationship had run its course – his love for me wasn’t there anymore – he wanted out. Our relationship had run its course – his love for me just wasn’t there anymore – he wanted out.

 
How do you turn back from that one? How do you rebuild on that? Our relationship had run its course – I guess I was intended as his starter wife -so that he can go on and have his real marriage with someone else? Disposable me – our relationship had run its course – his love for me just wasn’t’ there anymore.

 
Ouch – damn that hurts. The one thing I held on to – gone. I need help. I sit here and type this crap out on my computer because it is supposed to make me feel better to get it all out. It doesn’t. It doesn’t help to see the same heartbreaking info on this screen- just like it doesn’t help to hear it in my thoughts. I’m betting there are others who are feeling any better either – others who are exactly where I am.

 
Our relationship had run its course – his love for me wasn’t there anymore. And now I am supposed to believe that he doesn’t feel that way any longer? Why, because he says so? He said he stopped feeling that way the moment he knew I figured out what was going on. He said he loves me – but he’s said all that before. In fact, he said all of that stuff at the very same time he was telling himself it was ok to chase new stuff because after all – our relationship had run its course and his love for me just wasn’t there anymore. What to believe now? How to believe anything he says now? Why even bother to try to believe anything he says now?

 
I posses a fairly decent vocabulary – but I don’t have the words to express this pain. I don’t know the words to say how this feels. It hurts so much I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe…..

 
Everyone who knows of my situation tells me the pain will pass in time – but it has been months – and the pain is still front and center. Now just as much as ever – because our relationship had run its course and his love for me just wasn’t there anymore. But I didn’t know it!! He got to know – he never let me know! I still loved him so completely. I struggled with what was going on – I knew something was wrong. I asked – I didn’t act like nothing was wrong. I didn’t ignore him. I tried to spend time with him. Tried to make him happy. He told me he was stressed about work – that he was really unhappy there – apparently not – he was getting all the extra stuff there he could handle – how unhappy could that have been for him? He had me taking care of him at home – while working and paying the bills – and all his pretty little stuff to play with at work. That must have been truly awful for him.
 

He purposely shut me out to make himself feel better – and lied – like he always did. I just didn’t know it. He forgot to tell me? He abandoned me in many ways, he left me. He left me alone – in this marriage all by myself. Like he said he would never do. He did all the things he said he would never do. He decided the relationship had run its course and that his feelings of love for me just weren’t there anymore. Crushing. Soul crushing revelation.
 

How do I stay married to him through this? When is enough enough already? Now? Then? When? Why did I wake up in this world? I thought I had worked so hard and chosen so well. I thought I was married to the love of my life – my best friend. The man I wanted to be old with. The man I wanted to share everything with. Where did he go? He never existed. He was never that person – he was a lie. A lie he told himself – and a lie he told me. After all, he is the only one who got to know everything. He is the only one who got to know that the relationship had run its course – and that his feelings of love for me just weren’t there anymore. Now he wants me to stay in this marriage and work this out? How? And better – why? What about the next time the relationship has run its course – and his feelings of love just aren’t there anymore – oh, and he forgets to let me in on that? What about that?

 
Careful with the questions you ask -you just might get the answer…